the sky above is falling
by ptwasilewski
Summary: Rachel just got tired of everything. IMPLIED suicide attempt.


the sky above is falling.

Drowning? You could say that. Rachel Berry was never one to have trouble with words, but her current situation left her... well, breathless, to say the least. Falling? That would work too, to a certain extent.

But it wasn't what you would think. No, she was not falling in love. Or literally drowning. It was the stress that consumed her; the sadness that engulfed her; the irrationality that overwhelmed her. She wasn't the same person anymore, not on the inside anyway. Nobody noticed, though and for that, she was glad. They all knew her to be the obnoxious, driven, annoying perfectionist and nothing less. If anybody even suspected that her facade was slipping, she would quickly slide the mask back on and they went back to accepting that she was okay.

She was tired of herself. Tired of feeling like an inferior because she was in Glee and not a Cheerio or a slut that all the football players went to when they needed a girl for the weekend. She was sick of feeling ugly. She was done with being so annoying. Just done with it all. It actually got to the point that she didn't even care about those stupid gold stars that used to represent her.

Finn noticed once, when she didn't put a gold star after her name when they handed in an assignment for Spanish class. She cut him off completely, began avoiding him and always had something to do when he wanted to talk to her.

He asked her why she began wearing sweaters and sweatpants instead of her skirts and cardigans. Rachel couldn't tell him that it was because of the scars that began to line her skin like college-ruled paper. She simply shrugged and walked away, her head bowed. She heard that he went to Mr. Schuester about her, that he was scared for her, that he was nervous. But Mr. Schuester didn't come to talk to her. It didn't surprise her. She knew he was annoyed with her by now too. She remembered all the times in Glee that she had her hand raised, whether it was because she had a song prepared, or a comment, or suggestion. She saw the sideways eyerolls, heard the exasperated sighs.

Rachel knew that it was starting to get noticed by the others in Glee that she wasn't herself. She didn't have that 'spark' anymore - it was Brittany that spoke what they were all thinking. She felt like screaming at them all - they were talking about her while she was there in the room. Was she invisible now? Had she sunk that far?

It was a relatively "happy" March day that she suddenly decided to take the Tylenol. It wasn't even that she was depressed - not at all. She was numb. Completely numb. Not from the multiple slushies that had been thrown at her that day either. Rachel didn't feel anymore - she was hollow. It was, as Kurt had so 'nicely' put it, "like the reign of the Diva Queen was over." You would think that would have hurt or even stung, but no. It, just like the rest of the insults, washed over her like nothing.

Her fathers were in the living room, watching some Broadway show. They had asked if she wanted to watch it with them, but Rachel refused, stating she had too much homework to do. They simply nodded and continued watching the television. She laughed drily when she was alone in her room - not even her fathers noticed that something was wrong.

Rachel pulled out the video camera she had secretly bought for what she was about to do. She coughed nervously and set it up on her desk, sitting in the chair beside it. Then, taking a deep breath, she turned the camera on and began to speak.  
"Dad, daddy, please don't think this is in any way your fault. I was too far gone, too wrapped up in my own selfish sadness to come to you for help. I love you both so, so, so much. I'm so sorry.

Mom, Shelby, whatever. I could say I'm sorry and I partially am, because I was the last child you could conceive, but... you didn't apologize either, regardless of how much you'll say you are after you see this. Did you not think it would kill me to see that you adopted Beth after telling me you didn't want me? Please don't say you didn't say that, because even though you used much more complicated indications, you were still telling me that I wasn't worthy to be your daughter. Yes, you helped me during our Lady GaGa week for Glee, but really? I needed your help for the past two months and I know you were close to figuring out what was going on. You saw me, Mom, more than once.

To the Glee club, I can't stand to do individual messages. You were all a family and I was never accepted as a part of it. I'm sorry I was so driven and annoyed you all so much, but that was me. I just needed to be accepted for who I was - the way you all accepted that Kurt is gay or that Puck is a sex addict or that Brittany is a bit of a air-head. You all accepted that Mercedes is self-conscious about her weight and the fact that she's black and you helped her through it. You all accepted that Artie is in a wheelchair. You accepted that Finn can't dance to save his life. You accepted that Tina lied about her stutter. You accepted that Mike is better at dancing than at singing. You all accepted that Santana and Quinn will always be rivals for the head cheerleader and head bitch and that they would take you down if it meant they got ahead. You accepted that Matt left. You all even accepted that Mr. Schue will never be able to rap even though he tries. But you couldn't accept me? Thank you, I guess. I now understand just how much I meant to you guys. If you're still listening and haven't turned this off by now because you find me just that annoying, then you'll discover that I have a folder in my bottom desk drawer and there is sheet music in it with at least five songs for each of you. Before all of this happened, I was observing you all, your strengths and weaknesses, whether it was in your singing or just your general life and chose songs for you that fit those situations. I was planning on giving them to you this Friday, but as Kurt said, if the reign of the Diva Queen is over, I figured I might as well end the Diva Queen herself. So I'm not going to apologize to you all either because honestly, I don't need to.

Finn, even though you're included in the above message, I have just a little bit extra to say to you. I loved you with all my heart. And I know you noticed that something was wrong. I was waiting for you to begin asking. I needed you to. I just needed you to see that I needed you. I know you went to talk to Mr. Schue about it.

And Mr. Schue? I truly hope you think you made the right decision in not furthering Finn's observations.

I don't mean for any of you to hold yourself guilty. In fact, I'd honestly be surprised if you even watched this far. I was never important to you except for my voice, was I? Go see Sunshine, get her to come back. I'm replaceable after all.

By the way, I wrote you all notes too, but decided that this was the best option, because then you could see the damage that your inability to accept me caused."

She then removed the oversized sweater she was wearing, revealing all the self-inflicted cuts, in their varying degrees of healing. Rachel could almost hear the gasps that would be breathed when Kurt and Mercedes would see this. But she knew they wouldn't be out of pity or sadness, they would be out of exasperation and accompanied by the line of thought, "she needed more attention, did she?"

The girl then sighed wearily, mumbling something along the line of "it was never for attention" and shut the camera off.


End file.
